


Have you lost your mind?!

by Mini_Goat



Category: Firefly
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen, Jayne is an idiot, Seventh Circle of Hell Challenge, ourdumbassideas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25334323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mini_Goat/pseuds/Mini_Goat
Summary: Jayne isn’t the brightest star in the Verse… and this is one of those times he proves it
Comments: 5
Kudos: 17
Collections: Seventh Circle of Hell Challenge





	Have you lost your mind?!

**Author's Note:**

> Today kids... we have an SG-Kree writers prompt. If you want to follow our silly asses go here https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Seventh_Circle_of_Hell_Challenge/profile or here https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sg-kree My prompt Was a Firefly story with Mal and Jayne with the prompt “have you lost your mind?” So um… On with the shew!

Everything had been just fine until that goram delivery to Beaumonde. The delivery had been fine... it was the shipment they picked up that had been infested with Chiang-bao hoe-tze duh rodents. Kaylee was mighty irked by the situation as well. They were getting into the wiring. They were getting into Sheppard Book’s hydroponic garden and eating the plants. Mal was fit to be tied about the whole thing.

He was putting serious thoughts in putting down and fumigating the entire ship.

“Capin I can’t take it any more! They’re chewing on the coolant lines now!” Kaylee fussed at him in frustration.

Kaylee who was like a xiǎo mèimei to him as much as River was to Simon. “I know Kaylee. I’ll figure it out…. Just… hold up and fix what you can. This is going to eat every last bit of profit off our last run.” Mal said in frustration. “We’ll set down on Aberdeen and see if we can’t chase some of them off at least.”

Inara had locked her ship and not come out since the rodents were discovered. They had trapped a few and spaced them but there was no telling how many more were in the ship. This job wasn’t worth go ushi. All it had caused him was grief and aggravation.

Mal headed for the cockpit where Wash was playing with his dinosaurs again. Mal rolled his eyes. “Put down on Aberdeen. Open all the bays. Have Zoë put food out for the goram things to see if it draws them out.”

“Yes sir captain sir.” Wash told him with alacrity that was in fact sarcasm and they both knew it.

Mal didn’t honestly care. He was a good pilot and he made Zoë happy. Anything beyond that wasn’t Mal’s problem and he didn’t borrow trouble where he didn’t need to.

Elsewhere in the ship Jayne Cobb had found a creative new way to solve the problem. He stood laughing. “Take that yah little húndàn tāmāde!” He cackled as small rodents cowering in a corner caught fire with terrified little screeches of fear and pain.

Zoë walked in on him taking a flamethrower to the sides of the crates where the rodents had previously scurried and now were charred little lumps. “What the hell are you doing?!” She demanded. “You’re going to damage the shipment!”

“Capin said kill em if I find em... didn’t say how….”

“jiàn tā de gu Jayne, you yúbèn de pigu!”

“Hey! Mal said to kill the little rat things I’m killing them!”

“And destroying the cargo in the process. Put that thing away. We’re landing on Aberdeen in twenty minutes and to make up for your stupidity you’re going to help push everything outside the ship and make food lures to get the damned things out of the cargo hold.”

“Everyone’s a critic.” Jayne muttered walking away as he pulled the strap for the flame thrower over his head.

Zoë shook her head and muttered something under her breath about what a moron Jayne was.

Things went reasonably well when they set down. Book, Zoë, Jayne, Wash and Simon used the sleds to pull everything out of the cargo bay they could manage. That done Zoë opened all the ports as ordered and set bait out for the damned rodents as Mal called them while River and Kaylee herded the rodents they could find out of the ship. The trouble was they had no idea how many were left still so they were dead in the water on a backwoods world waiting for the rodents to take more interest in the easy to get food outside than the more difficult fairings inside the ship.

Wash was sitting on a crate throwing playing cards at a small bucket when Mal wandered over to him several hours later.

“Any luck with the traps?”

“Some.” Wash admitted. He and Zoë had set up bait traps that easily let the little jerks in but were exceedingly difficult to leave.

“Seen Jayne?”

“Took the skid into town. Said he was bored.” Wash flipped a card into the bucket pointedly. They were all bored.

“I swear to de mā I will leave him on this dirt ball if he’s not back in time.” Mal mutters.

“Is that really a loss?” Wash asked him. He was an easy going guy and even he found Jayne to be tiringly annoying some days. He went to special effort to get out of doing work as often as possible. Wash grumbled and complained but he did his job. Usually. And he wouldn’t shoot anyone in the back to make a buck either.

“Keep an eye out for him and refill the traps if they need it.”

“Yup." Wash said absently to Mal.

Mal walked away shaking his head and Wash went back to flipping cards. Simon would relieve him in half an hour keeping an eye on the traps. He supposed Sheppard Book would after that. Didn’t matter to him. Once his shift was done he and Zoë could wander into town if Jayne was back with the skid.

Mal for his part went back into the ship to see how Kaylee was doing with repairs. She talked to the ship more than she did other people. River was helping her. A matter Mal wasn’t confidant he was comfortable with but one he couldn’t justify complaining about. He felt sorry for the kid. She was just another victim of their screwed up society same as everyone else on the ship. Not for the first time he wondered if the entirety of space was this screwed up or if the Verse alone stood out as a sad reminder that human nature changed little with the centuries.

Jayne returned with the skid mid afternoon and parked it behind the ship so no one saw him sneak onto the ship with a large crate.

Late that evening everyone was sitting down to eat and Zoë heard a thump. “What was that?” She asked.

Everyone looked at each other in apparent confusion except Jayne who continued eating as though nothing happened.

There was another thump followed by a yowl and a terrified squeak.

“That came from the cargo bay.” Book said.

Everyone got up and headed for the bay and stopped dead as an extraordinarily large cat with stripes on it’s shoulders and spots on it’s back pounced on another terrified rodent yowling triumphantly as it landed on it’s victim with a sickening crunch.

Finally Wash spoke. “Where did that.. thing come from?”

“It’s a servile cat.” Simon said helpfully.

“Did you bring that thing on board?” Mal demanded of Simon.

“Wasn’t me. I don’t even know where to buy one.” Simon protested.

Everyone was looking at each other trying to figure out how a cat the size of a husky dog got on the ship. Everyone but Jayne who was casually licking his fingers as he finished devouring a chicken leg. It didn’t take that long for the entire crew of the Serenity with the exception of Inara who still refused to unlock her door until every last rodent was gone was looking at Jayne with a combination of fascination, horror and in one case, extreme ire.

“What?” Ha asked them.

“Did you bring that thing onboard my ship?” Mal demanded.

“Well… yah. You wanted the rodents gone and I figured... hey a cat. And then I saw her and remembered their kittens are pretty valuable and figured we could breed her, make a little side money at it….”

Mal advanced on Jayne. “Have you lost your mind? This is why I don’t pay you to think!”

“Hey it’s a good idea. She’ll eat the goram rodents and then she’s valuable later.” Jayne insisted.

“Do you even _know_ anything about breeding cats?” Mal demanded.

Said cat was now laying on her back content having eaten several rodents. Simon walked over to her and shook her head. “The only thing she’s going to be valuable for is companionship.” He told the others.

“What?” Jayne asked.

“She’s been spayed.” Simon said and pointed at a circular tattoo on her belly where the fur was thinner.

“jiàn tā de guǐ!” Jayne swore.

“You got her cheap didn’t you Jayne?” Zoë asked him sarcastically.

“That lying sack of gǒushǐ!” Jayne swore which just made Zoë laugh at him and Wash give him a mocking look.

“Yah get what yah pay for. She can stay until the rodents are gone. Then she goes too.” Mal told him.

“I swear that húndàn said she was good breeding stock!” Jayne insisted.

“Oh she was.” Simon agreed. But someone spayed her… probably to calm her down a bit. Cats in heat act like… well… cats in heat.”

Jayne stomped off cursing a blue streak in an odd combination of English and Chinese and Kaylee giggled at his butchering of the Chinese language.

“She is awfully pretty Capin. Can we keep her? Please?” She asked Mal, batting her eyelashes at him.

“Absolutely not. Those things eat their weight in meat every day. She’s too expensive to keep as a pet.” Mal said.

“I could pitch in for the food.” Book offered.

“I said no Shepherd and that’s final.” Mal said, pointing a finger at the older man.

Book nodded absently while Kaylee pouted.

“What if we kept one of the rodents for you as a pet?” Wash suggested helpfully.

“NO!” Mal roared and stomped away to his own cabin.

Everyone had the decency to wait until he was gone to laugh at Wash’s joke.


End file.
